1. the cavity in which something is formed
2. the rock in which a fossil or mineral is embedded
3. in printing – a mold from which a plate can be made

Matrix has to do with connections; with forming a safe place; with making impressions. We want a safe place, inside and out, to grow and birth our babies. The choices we make and the “impressions” from others we accept greatly influence how our births and early parenting unfold. We can positively influence our experience by the connections we make, the matrix we form, inside and out

There are many facets to this and the more of them we include, the greater our chance of having the pregnancy and birth experience we want. Obviously we are responsible for the matrix we provide our baby to grow in. There is a lot of information about the physical aspects of a good pregnancy and growing a healthy baby. It is our responsibility to become educated and follow the guidelines of our heathcare provider.

Choosing our caregiver for pregnancy and birth impacts many aspects of our experience. Midwives and doctors generally function differently and will provide a different kind of matrix.

Where you want to give birth – home, birth center, hospital – will influence which caregiver you choose. Find out what your options are and the advantages and disadvantages of each. You have nine months to learn and many places to turn to for information. Friends are a good place to start. What was their experience and what did they like or not? Do you know anyone that birthed with a midwife? At home?

Your local library and bookstore are good sources of information as well as the internet. By looking in the yellow pages under midwives, birth centers, childbirth educators, and La Leche League (breastfeeding) you can find places to contact that will know what’s available in your area and probably the reputations and practice standards of different providers. Many areas have childbirth advocacy groups that can provide resource lists and many other support services.

Sometimes you can find early pregnancy classes or perhaps an exercise or swim group for pregnant women. These provide a feeling of community and a place to share your experience as well as being a source of information for the community. Heath clinics and women’s centers of all kinds may be able to put you in touch with various groups also.

There are many choices involved with pregnancy and especially birth. Some of them are quite serious and have an impact far into the future sucha s the choice of whether to use drugs during birth and if we choose to breastfeed.

Ideally your partner is interested and becoming informed also and you can talk over the many decisions you face. Your partner and family form a crucial part of your matrix. Having the support of the people around you every day makes all the other choices easier. It is important to work on your communication and relationship skills during these crucial changes. Spend time alone together, talking about what you want for this birth experience and your expectations of labor and parenting. The more you understand what each of you is thinking and feeling, the easier it is to be in harmony and working together for the experience you want in birth.

For me, personally, the spiritual matrix is very important. Turning within and spending some time each day in prayer and meditation causes incredible changes in your life and the effects ripple out and touch everything and everyone. You can see your baby surrounded by healing Light and growing perfectly. You can ask for guidance about food, emotional work, any area you need help with. Meditation can give you insight about choices you need to make or alert you to an aspect that needs attention.

In the outer world, spiritual groups provide community and a safe place, a matrix of support and nurturing on many levels. Reach out to the people in your neighborhood, community or church whoa re also pregnant or have young children. If you’re new to the area, use the yellow pages, the chamber of commerce and whatever names  and numbers you do have, to find the support you need and create the matrix that will give you the safe place to unfold and grow.

Some families are tuning to doulas for this support. Doula means “to mother the mother”. In the past and today in some cultures, the extended family played this role. Now often family members live far apart. Birthing practices have changed since our mothers gave birth and they may not be the best support. Husbands are wonderful, but as inexperienced as we are and emotionally involved they may not be the ultimate supporter during birth either.

In pregnancy and labor, a doula plays a complementary role with the midwife, doctor, nurse, and childbirth educator. She understands the physiology and emotions of labor and birth and knows the “routines” of the situations – IV’s and continuous monitoring in the hospital setting; movement and nourishment usually encouraged by midwives. The doula provides emotional and physical support such as backrubs or assistance to the bathroom. She may agree to care for other children at a birth. Most labor doulas meet with the family a couple of times in pregnancy to work out the details of her role at birth.

Some doulas focus on postpartum care. They come to the home in the days following birth for some agreed upon amount of time. They are usually experienced with mothers and can help with breastfeeding and infant care learning as well as doing laundry, cooking, and other household tasks. Some focus on taking older children out  for a while so mom and baby can rest or have time alone. Again you will usually meet in pregnancy and decide what kind of help would be of most benefit to you.

Often in the community, friends will ask what you want for the baby. An after-birth meal group can be a wonderful gift. Someone agrees to be the coordinator and call the list of people after the birth. Each person agrees to bring one meal for the family for as long as you arrange it. You usually have leftovers for lunch the next day, you all eat better without dad having to shop or cook and the people get the satisfaction of giving something of real worth and seeing the new baby too.

Be good to yourself. If you don’t have a matrix, now is the time to create one. If you do have a support system, now is the time to expand and strengthen it. Use all the resources you have to create that safe place to grow and unfold. You deserve it and so does your precious babe.

I have had wonderful experiences with children at birth. They do need some education and preparation just as the parents do. But children of all ages do very well with a little attention to their participation. We suggest that parents read books and watch videos with their kids. Marjie and Jay Hathaway have written a book Children at Birth that is excellent and there is a video with the same name. The video “Special Delivery” by Rahima Baldwin shows children involved with births. A Child is Born by Lennart Nilsson has wonderful pictures of the baby’s development week by week and kids love sing how “their” baby looks at whatever stage mom is in. The “Miracle of Life” is a video sometimes seen on PBS using Nilsson’s photography and is quire remarkable for all ages.

It is helpful to prepare children for the sights and sounds of birth. I told my kids I might grunt or make noise as you do when lifting a heavy load or doing some hard work. One of my videos shows the woman’s thighs colored by Betadine scrub used for washing in the hospital. Many children think it is blood and we discuss this. Blood is not a big concern for adults as well as kids viewing birth. If an episiotomy (a cut to enlarge the vaginal opening) is not done, and it is rarely truly necessary, there really is not much blood until the placenta separates. Either way if children are prepared for it and know it is normal and nothing is wrong, they are not alarmed.

I do ask parents to have a person at the birth to be the children’s advocate. Someone who will feed them, take them for a walk and answer their questions; someone who will not be disappointed if they miss the birth because the children needed to be somewhere else. This frees up the father ti give his full attention to the mother and mom to fully relax as she knows her other children’s need are being attended to.

The only negative experience I’ve had with a child at birth was when a family came to visit unexpectedly from out of town. The daughter was 10 and had not been prepared in any way to witness a birth. The laboring woman was on her hands and knees when the bag of waters broke, splattering against the wall like a giant water balloon. The girl jumped a food of the floor. After the birth she said, “I’m never having a baby.” I suggested she ask the mother if it was worth it and of course she said it was well worth every minute of labor. This does show the need for preparation especially with older children who are able to think about different aspects and particularly if it is not their mother giving birth. In fact we require the same education for adults at the birth if they are unfamiliar with the process.

At one birth the father was not able to be present as he was working in another state. The first child was a little boy around 2 1/2 years. During the birth he was behind me at the end of the bed with his head on his hands watching in fascination. As soon as the baby came out he ran around and climbed up next to his mother, kissing the baby and saying, “My baby, my baby” over and over. Being involved in the process of birth seems to greatly reduce sibling rivalry as the children do see its as their baby too and go into nurturing mode.

We encourage children to be involved, but never insist. An advantage of being at home is that the other kids are free to come and go as they wish. Some will choose to sleep right through even if they are awakened. Others will not be happy in their own bed, but can sleep contentedly next to mom even if she’s moaning and moving around.

At one birth, we had a six-year-old boy who was convinced birth was “gross” and he wanted nothing to do with it. We respected his wishes and let him know it was fine for him to watch or not and to change his mind at any time. His mother ended up pushing on her knees, leaning over the bed. The little boy stood poised in the doorway behind her. As just the top of the head started to show with pushing he said, “Oh, it’s so cute, it’s so cute.” The energy of birth is very powerful and will often suck people in. He even looked at the placenta. What may have seemed gross before or in a movies, is very different when you’re there, involved in the process with the people you love.

One three-year-old boy woke up just minutes before his brother was born. His mother was working very hard. He climbed on the bed and started stroking her arm, saying, “It’ll be okay, Mom, It’s okay.” They are so sweet and it’s very joyful to me to see how even very young children will be nurturing and comforting to their mother as well as the baby after birth.

When my apprentice was pregnant with her fourth child, her ten-year-old daughter wanted nothing to do with it and said she would leave th house when she was in labor. Her mother let her know she did not have to watch or be involved in any way, but she did have to stay at home. When I arrived (a 1 1/2 hour drive), Danna was obviously at the end of the first stage of labor. She was kneeling on the floor at the corner of their waterbed. All three children  were on the bed, totally enthralled. Her ten-year-old daughter never moved or in any way indicate she wanted to be elsewhere.

Some parents don’t want their children present and of course we respect their decision. I do encourage them to discuss it with the kids and let them have some involvement with the decision. Even if the other children are not going to be at the birth, having some preparation makes it less frightening and they understand what’s going on.

In Oregon, I attended a birth on Christmas Day with Jan Tritten (now editor of “Midwifery Today”). We both had young children and the birthing mother had a daughter about the same age. When we went to dot he postpartum visit, we brought our children with us and they were all playing together. The little girl had a doctor kit and they pulled out the stethoscope. But they all used the stethoscope on each other’s bellies. You can tell these are midwives’ children we decided.

Kids can bring juice to mom in labor or wipe her face with a cool washcloth. After birth, they can bring a diaper for the baby or make funny faces to keep them entertained while mom is making dinner. The more involved they are, the less sibling rivalry as they feel a responsibility and that they are an integral part of it and not displaced by the new baby. Of course it’s good to make some special time for the other children, perhaps reading a story while the baby nurses or doing something together while the baby sleeps.

I worked with one blended family with a 13-year-old girl. She was somewhat jealous of the man in her mother’s life as she and her mom had been alone together most of her life. She would not talk to us or be involved in any way during the prenatal visits. She felt the baby was going to usurp her place; her mother would no longer care for her and told her she was too old to be doing this, especially at home. During labor she didn’t stay in the room and if she was there, she was glaring at her mother and saying a lot of negative things.

At one point, she and her stepfather left to pick up some lunch. The labor had been progressing quite slowly and I talked with the mother about what was happening and how she was feeling about her daughter’s behavior. She admitted how difficult it was making the experience. I suggested it was important that she share this information and feelings with her daughter. I felt her honest expression would help the labor to progress regardless of whether the girl changed how she was acting.

When they returned, mother and daughter went off to talk and cry a little. At first nothing changed, but withing a short time, the girl was starting to stay in the room and before long she was sitting next to her mother and talking with us all. Labor progressed much more rapidly after this. She still did not want to watch the birth and we respected her decision. However, as the moment drew near, she was right outside the door of the bedroom and would peek around every few minutes. As it happened, she did see the baby come out though she stayed outside the room.

One of the other women at the birth encouraged her to hold her baby brother shortly after the birth. She was reluctant, but did finally consent to hold him and she fell in love. The whole family was so strongly bonded by this experience that the past hurt and distance was left behind and they continue five years later as a strong, close, loving family.

I feel this healing was so important. If the environment had been different, if these feelings had not been addressed and the emotional expression facilitated, a prime opportunity would have been missed. If this daughter had continued to feel separate from this experience, who knows when or if healing would have occurred and their family life would be very different. When my first daughter was being born, I had a friend to be with my boys. She kept trying to take my 4-year-old in the other room to read him stories. He would have none of it and wanted to be right there where the action was, though this was a fast, tumultuous labor and I made a lot of noise. Kids handle birth very well with minimal preparation and can often be a real asset. They come to the experience fresh and open and loving and have less mental stuff to overcome than many adults do. More hospitals and birth centers are willing to have children present and some even have sibling classes. I would encourage all parents to seriously consider involving their other kids to the full extent that they want to be.

Late on afternoon, I get the call that Dawn is in labor. They have called the doula who was sleeping, having been up all night and day with her other work.

When I arrive, the doula says Dawn has been very active and mobile, moving from room to room. She spent a lot of time in the bathroom with her head on the cool tile counter. As second stage began, she did a little pushing in the bedroom, but could not find a comfortable position. After a short time, Dawn says she wants to get in the bath and we can tell she means NOW, so we quickly fill the tub. Dawn is pacing from bedroom to bathroom and when the tub is barely half full, she gets in. She is kneeling with her head in the outside rim of the tub and her butt next to the wall when I see the unmistakable signs of the baby’s head beginning to emerge. I quickly strip off my sock, roll up my pant leg and put one foot in the water as I get in position to receive the baby, and Dawn gets out of the tub!

She goes in front of the toilet with her husband jammed in the corner next to her. There is very little room and I have to literally push her a bit to get around and quickly sit down and catch this nine pound, six ounce boy. My first toilet birth, where I was the one on the toilet.

Jim is Irish and they had planned to name the baby Patrick if it was a boy. He took his cue and arrived on St. Patrick’s Day.

Dawn is always ravenous after birth and has wonderful homemade bread and soup ready. Within the hour she is up and we all enjoy a sumptuous feast with Patrick Michael contentedly feasting himself at his mother’s breast.

When I was eight months pregnant, I

my grandson Wyatt, Halloween 2008

 started to worry. I had very bad menstrual cramps as a teen and my mother used to say having a baby would be nothing for me after that. I sometimes had cramps that lasted twenty minutes; I’d faint and once fell off the toilet. I thought, ‘Oh my God, if labor is like that, I’m never going to make it!’ Here I’ve been telling women for years they can do it and what if I just totally blow it and can’t do it??!! I decided to psyche myself for a day. It’s just one day out of your life, you can take anything for one day, you’ll get a baby out of it.

On June 22nd, at one in the morning, I woke with my first labor contraction. Though I’d had lots of preparatory contractions from six months on, somehow I knew this was really it. I told my husband he could go back to sleep which he gratefully did. I was too excited thinking this was our baby’s birthday to sleep. The contractions were mild about fifteen minutes apart. I sat in our big easy chair quietly breathing in the candle light.

For some reason during pregnancy, I thought I’d want applesauce in labor and had stocked some. Around 4 am I ate a little. By dawn, the excitement was wearing off; I went to bed and dozed some. Around eight, I had some tea and toast. My husband and I walked downtown to get Cathe. She’s an emergency medical technician (EMT). Though I felt sure I would have no problems, I didn’t want my husband in the position of handling it if there was a medical emergency. Cathe was cleaning her fridge and we hung out listening to music. I walked and moved around; as long as I stayed relaxed, I really had no pain.

After a couple of hours, we headed back to our house where I continued to walk in our first garden Dilation progressed smoothly and before 1 pm, I was completely open. I was trained in the hospital way of forced pushing. (They still do this, wanting the mother to push to the count of ten, take a quick breath and push again. I have since learned that working with your body’s urges works much better and is less stressful for mom and baby.) I also liked being in control and after all the waiting and relaxing of first stage labor, it was great to be able to do something.

So I pushed. And I pushed. And I pushed. I was sitting propped up with pillows in the bed. Though I had read Raven Lang’s, Birth Book, that showed hands and knees births, it never occurred to me to change positions. I realized after this birth, the value of a skilled attendant. I had wonderful emotional support but no one with experience to assist me in relaxing and guide me through contractions. I could feel myself tense up when pushing but  couldn’t stop myself. I finally asked my husband and Cathe to tell me to relax during contractions. When they would tell me to relax, I could let go immmediately but I needed that outside reminder.

Two hours into pushing, we started to see a little dark hair showing. My friend was doing perineal massage which I hated. I didn’t want to be touched but was also afraid of tearing and told her to continue. And I pushed and pushed to the count of ten. Another hour went by.

When the head finally came out, I felt I just couldn’t do it again. I kept pushing and Whoosh! he was all born on one contraction. My husband was receiving him and he said, ‘ a baby’, and tossed him to our friend, Cathe. She seemed just as startled at him finally coming and quickly put him on my belly. As they started to cover him with a blanket, he inched his way up my body and looked right at me as he latched onto my breast. I was awestruck. Blissed out in love.

Obviously my pushing for three hours did not stress him out. I didn’t tear though I did have ‘skid marks’ as some call them, on my inner labia. Air drying for fifteen minutes after bathing has remarkable healing effects. Jeremy Scott weighed 8# 4oz. Most baby’s heads are 13-14 inches around and his was 15 inches. The majority of babies are from 18-22 inches long and Jeremy was 22inches. Now he’s 6′ 3″ and a gourmet chef.

     Early in my pregnancy with Sara I realized I was carrying a girl but that it was not Mitra, the spirit that had been with me for twelve years by then. At the time I was on my own after having two boys in a marriage relationship and the thought of two more children was daunting. But it was clear they were a package deal. One day in meditation I had a vision of my daughters as young women. Sara was blonde and blue-eyed, quite a surprise in our gene pool, and Mitra was taller, dark-haired and with a more slender build. Now as young women, they look as I saw them then.

     I had very strong inner urgings to get out of the relationship with Sara’s father before I knew I was pregnant. I lived with my sons in a small house. The living-dining-my bedroom space and the kitchen were on one floor. To get to the bathroom and the boy’s bedroom, you went down an extremely tight spiral staircase. I am one of those women who gets much sicker carrying girls than boys. With Sara’s pregnancy, the boys would come near me after eating a tuna sandwich and I would start gagging. I’d open the refrigerator and have to run for the bathroom which was impossible. Many times I wished for a fireman’s pole.

     When I was about four months pregnant we moved to a larger home. There was a steep zigzag path up half the mountainside to the house. Friends would come to visit and plop on the couch, panting and swear they’d never visit me again. By the end of my pregnancy, I was carrying two bags of groceries up without even raising my heartrate. I know this effected my labor.Ii went from 14 and 11 hours with the boys to 3 hours! with Sara.

     My ex-husband was a jeweler and a bartender. Bisbee is a small social town. The bar he worked in closed to the public on Thanksgiving and had a private party with an enormous potluck buffet. As well as the traditional Thanksgiving foods, there was a full complement of Mexican dishes as well. Often in late pregnancy, half a sandwich would fill me up. Not that night. I put away an amazing amount of food.

     After managing to waddle up the hill to our house, I fell into bed and almost instantly asleep. Two hours later I was awakened by the tell-tale wetness that had started Reuben’s labor. Within half an hour, contractions started. Earlier when I’d heard of women standing for labor, I couldn’t imagine it for myself. This time, that was what felt best. I stood, walked and leaned against the wall with contractions. I did have a bruise on my forehead the next day from pressing so hard.

     This labor was like a volcano erupting with strong, close contractions from the beginning. But after totally pigging out, it was my only labor to not throw up. I called the baby’s father and Cathe and my other women friends. I made a lot of noise with this labor as that seemed to move the energy through my body and keep me from tensing up. My neighbors, a couple of football fields away, told me later they heard me. In between contractions, I reassured the boys, that Yes, it was intense but I was fine. I had a friend specifically to be with them. She kept trying to get Reuben, four, to go in the other room for stories but he wasn’t having it and wouldn’t leave my side.

     Someone suggested I let Joe, Sara’s father, check me as he was a nursing student at the time. This is an example of how easily influenced you are in labor and was a real learning experience for me. They do not let you do vaginal exams in nursing school and there was no reason to think Joe would know my dilation. Yet I said OK.

     It was excruciating to lie down. Joe checked me and said, Oh, you’re about 7 cm. I said, ” She’s coming. NOW!” and she did. I was only lying down a few minutes but it really hurt and I still wonder what it would have been like to birth standing up. It also made me very aware of how sensitive women in labor are and the importance of our words.